I Still Know You

I know what it’s like to know someone well. Very well indeed. To know them so well that all you have to do is look at each other to know what they’re thinking. You both laugh at the same time. You finish their sentences accurately. You could make important decisions for them without pause or error. Yes, I know what it’s like to know someone well.

But they don’t know me. They never took the same time or care to know met hat well.

That hurts.

Am I not good enough to know that well? Am I not worth the effort and thought? Why did I spend my youth making myself almost a clone and you spent it carefree and not looking at me?

I don’t begrudge you your life, I am just disappointed in me. I guess I needed time away but wouldn’t take it. I got too needy and almost clingy. It’s my fault, really. I spent too much time trying to make you want me around, trying to make myself indispensable to you that I forgot about me.

I forgot my own needs and made your needs mine.

You are not to blame but if I hadn’t know you would I be the same? Were you toxic for me growing up? In ways we couldn’t have imagined?

As we got older and I moved away for awhile to follow job and home leads, we grew apart a bit. We almost stopped being friends for awhile. We grew different. I realized I was someone else and not a clone of you and started to assert me. You didn’t seem to like it. That’s when I figured out that you never paid attention to me as much as I did you. I could still finish your sentences even when I started becoming me, but sadly you didn’t know me at all.

It’s not entirely you not paying attention. You can’t pay attention to what isn’t there after all.

I know what’s it’s like to know someone else better than yourself.

I still know you.

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